No awkward introductions.

Last night I got very high with an old friend, we hadn't seen each other in almost three years and consequently I headed over to her place to smoke and catch up. We laughed the night away and bathed in nostalgia, filled our lungs with smoke and told each other about all that had happened. We spoke about our various problems, we had conversations about my scars and then on too how much better we were doing now, finally landing on our 'previous' problems with food, each nosing around, wondering if the other was really 'well.' Then I ate a cookie. Having eaten a grand total of 859 calories in 4 days, this slight omission of hunger, 'committing this cardinal sin' caused me to go in to a complete frenzy, to the shop and back we went and then we ate, we ravished each packet, each mini meal but nothing I ate sated me, in fact it all left me pathetically dissatisfied.

When the morning rolled around I was crumpled and rancid on the inside, my shrunken stomach bursting with an amount of food it just can't handle. Having not slept, I left, craving my own home with it's skimmed milk and safe foods. The world was too bright, too much, I shied away from such a glare, I squinted and kept my eyes on the floor. Getting on the tube, a crush of bodies, all pressing inwards, I got too hot, I got too dizzy, an astonishing pain was and is encompassing my stomach - I don't think I can accurately describe the pain of a genuine binge on a withered stomach to anyone who hasn't felt it - the floor began to fly up at me and I put my arm up to rest against the cold stone wall. This didn't make sense, my mind was spinning with DIY statistics and its too soon, this isn't fair.

There is no where like a tube station to disappear, to blend in, everyone is far too busy and far too important and has to get where they're going and they're all going to be late, this faceless, bustling crowd is where I was and for a whole 5 minutes I felt just like everyone else, I was just a woman in heels with a handbag, walking at her usual speedy pace, fighting desperately with her gag reflex and trying not to pass out. Okay so maybe not just like everyone else.

Finally home I fling off my clothes and crawl in to bed. I wonder how someone so painfully full can be so desperately hungry and write to you. No awkward introductions, I'm Anooshka, I'm 16 and this is my life.

xo